I remember walking past some bushes in detox on the way to the cafeteria, scared a bottle of wine could be hiding there, waiting for me. What scared me was me. I didn’t trust that I could stop myself. I thought my recovery was just physical, and I just needed to control my hand from picking up a drink. But in that short walk, I saw that the problem was more about my mind reaching for the drink instead of my hand. My thoughts were just as out of control as my drinking. I looped through fears, obsession, and imagined scenarios that hadn’t even happened. I spent so much energy trying to control the world outside of me, but the work was learning how to live with a reality that I didn’t choose.

That realization followed me into stroke recovery. I can’t control that my brain broke, as much as I can’t control where alcohol shows up in the world. I can, however control my response: how I show up, speak to myself, and pause vs react. Recovery starts with surrendering the control that I never actually had in the first place, and accepting who I am in this moment. Somewhere between surrender and acceptance, I begin to find peace, by focusing only on what’s within the limit of my fingertips and not beyond.

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